


Let Her Know Love

by supersleepygoat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Death, Discussion of Abortion, F/M, Gen, Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 15:37:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16895331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supersleepygoat/pseuds/supersleepygoat
Summary: You are in an established relationship with Castiel. When you get pregnant, things don’t work out the way you secretly dreamt they would.





	Let Her Know Love

“Hurry up Y/N/N!” you hear Dean shout as you near the bunker’s garage. 

“You could wait ten freaking minutes… not everyone can roll out of bed looking like a chiseled Greek God, asshole” you mumble the last part under your breath. 

“What was that?” Dean playfully pretends he didn’t hear you. 

“I said… screw you and your pretty face,  _ asshole _ ” you repeated yourself a little louder. 

Dean just laughs “Every family needs an ugly duckling and, sorry kid, but Sammy and I used up all the pretty before you came along!” Dean jokes. 

Sam just rolls his eyes as you jump on Dean’s back and trap him in a playful headlock. Dean effortlessly walks over to the driver’s side of Baby, as if you weren’t draped over him. He quirked an eyebrow up at you. “You done, kid?” he asks in a bored tone.  

You hop off Dean’s back, “I’ll take you down one of these days, old man”. 

Dean huffs out a laugh to emphasize his cocky disbelief that you could ever take him. You smack his chest and reach for the handle of Baby’s back door. “Oh sweet, innocent, naive baby sister,” Dean says in a condescending tone. “When are you going to learn that you’ll never beat your big br-“ 

Before Dean could finish his snarky comeback, a large hand wraps around yours preventing you from opening the door and you feel a large frame come up behind you. You freeze in surprise for a moment but you quickly recognize the familiar grasp. You turn around with a wide smile playing on your lips and notice Castiel’s chest is merely inches from your face. 

When you look up at the angel, you notice he is not looking at you but over at Dean. 

“She will not be going with you,” Cas says to Dean without even acknowledging you.  

“Umm… don’t you think  _ she _ gets a say in what  _ she _ does?” You ask trying to sound more annoyed than you actually were. Truthfully, you’d rather spend the night with Cas than with your brothers.

“Relax man, hop in we’re headed to the bar. You can flirt with Y/N there,” Dean says jokingly as he turns to get in Baby, not recognizing the stern look on the angel’s face, probably because it looks so similar to the typical scowl that is permanently cemented on his face, but you noticed.  

Looking into the car window you address your brothers, “It’s okay…. I think I’m just going to stay here,” you glance behind you up at Cas who is staring intently at you “I haven’t been feeling all that well this week and something tells me whiskey won’t make it any better.” 

Dean looks over at Cas then back at you, he gives you a knowing smirk “Suit yourself sis, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” he says with a wink before he and Sam speedily drive away.

You roll your eyes at the retreating car and turn back to Cas. “So, what’s up? Why didn’t you want to go with them?” you say with slight concern.

“We have to talk,” he says before he touches your forehead and suddenly you’re in your bedroom perched at the end of the bed. 

You smirk up at Cas who is standing a few feet in front of you “Cas, if you wanted to be  _ alone _ tonight, you could have just ask-“

“You’re pregnant” he said abruptly.

You can’t respond. You want to respond but the only thing you can do is gape at the man for an inordinate amount of time. 

“Y/N, I said your pre-“

You hold your hands up to block the offending words “I heard you.” You sit silently for another minute. “Are you sure?” you ask with slight wonderment.

“I’m sure,” he nods. “I can feel it. It’s early, but I can feel its grace. Its strength.”

Your hand instinctively traces across your lower abdomen. You would never admit it, to anyone, but as you got older you occasionally thought about what it would be like to be pregnant, to be a mom.

You had also secretly fantasized about what it would be like to tell the father that you were going to be a family. You pictured the instant smile that would spread over his lips. Maybe he would pick you up, spin you around then immediately put you down and vow to be more careful with you now that you have precious cargo on board. However, this isn’t like that. The  _ father _ is telling  _ you _ that you’re pregnant. You let out a small laugh because of how abnormal this situation is, yet it fits perfectly with your abnormal life. Looking up at Cas you realize that you wouldn’t have it any other way. 

As you continue looking at Cas, the father of your child, your smile only grows wider and wider. “We’re going to have a baby,” you can’t hide the disbelief in your voice but also you could not stifle the overwhelming joy from bubbling out with your words as well. 

You stand up and walk toward Castiel wanting that embrace that you secretly dreamt about growing up. “I don’t think you understand,” he says as if you’re missing something obvious. “This child, she-“ 

“ _ She _ ?” You ask as your smile gets impossibly wider. 

“She… is part angel, a Nephilim.” He says that as if that is supposed to change everything. 

“Okay… yeah well I kinda figured  _ she _ would be,” you respond. You like the way the pronoun feels on your tongue, it makes it feel more real. “But she’s ours. I know that you and all the angels used to think all Nephilims were ‘abominations’ but things have changed… you’ve changed. She’s yours. She’s  _ ours _ ,” you say again to try and get him to be a little more excited.

“Y/N, I’m afraid you’re still not understanding… this is not about my past prejudices,” Cas takes a heavy breath. “No human woman has ever survived the birth of a Nephilim.” He pauses as the words taste poisonous. “If you have this child, you will die.” He reaches out to grasp your cheek.

Your smile fades. That thought hadn’t occurred to you. You try to wrap your mind around all the things you will miss out on. Her first steps. Her first words. Even her first breath. Everything feels out of reach. You try to hold back your stinging tears but then you look down to your stomach and a small smile creeps its way back onto your lips. The fear and sadness dissipates into something that mimics contentment.

* * *

 

All night Castiel held you. No one spoke. You thought that was because you both understood what was going to happen but the next morning you found out how wrong you were. 

You had drifted off to sleep in Castiel’s arms at some point during the night. When you awoke, Cas was staring earnestly at your stomach. You wished you could hear what he heard, feel what he felt because right now you couldn’t feel the little peanut sized creature inside of you, so you envied his connection. 

You rubbed his arm to shake him from his thoughts. “Come on, we should go tell the boys.”

“Are you sure you want-“

“It’s better they find out sooner rather than later… you know they’ll just start bitching if they think they were left out of the loop,” you try to say as lightly as possible in an attempt to ease the heavy weight of both your burdened thoughts.

As you make your way to the war room, you hear the faints sounds of your bickering brothers. Castiel stays close behind you, never taking is hand off your lower back.

“Hey there love birds, it’s almost noon… long night?” Dean asks with a shit eating grin. 

You give him a small smile but decide to not beat around the bush, just like Cas hadn’t the night before. “I’m pregnant,” you blurt out and release a breath you didn’t know you were holding. You look up at Cas “Wow, that is a lot easier doing it that way,” you say with a sense of relief. 

When you look back at your brothers they have the same looks on their faces that you imagine you had last night.  

Dean’s eyes flicker between you and Cas frantically trying to decide if he should hug or strangle his best friend. 

Sam is the first to make a move. He jumps from his chair and barrels over to consume you in a hug that comforts you more than you thought possible. You both then nearly get knocked down when Dean comes over to hug you from behind.

Sam lets go of you as you start laughing. For a moment you forget your fate, you simply let yourself live in this happiness. 

“Dude! Maybe let’s not knock around the pregnant lady!” Sam jokes with a wide smile pulling at his lips.

Dean jumps back as if your skin was on fire. “Oh shit! Sorry, Y/N/N!”

You laugh at your brothers, “It’s okay, something tells me she will have to get used to her intrusive and overbearing uncles!”

In unison Sam and Dean ask, “She?” with goofy smiles on their faces.

You just nod and do a little excited skip where you stood. 

“Y/N,” you heard the gruff voice from behind you. “Maybe we shouldn’t get them too excited… too attached,” he says so sadly that it almost breaks you.

As if the boys had just remembered Cas was there, they bound over and embrace their friend in a congratulatory hug but Cas fails to reciprocate the embrace. 

You know you have to tell them but you want to enjoy the excitement for a little longer. 

“Y/N, they deserve to know,” Cas reminds you. 

The boys look at you expectantly and you take a deep breath. “This baby, your niece,” you remind them, “will be a Nephilim.”

“Y/N/N, we don’t care… you know we will love this kid no matter what.” Sam quickly reassures you. 

“I know. I know that… I really do…. That’s why it’s so easy for me to make this choice… because I know she will have a father and uncles that will love her and protect her. You guys will raise her to be good. Raise her to be humane even if she’s not totally human.” 

“What are you-“ Dean hesitantly asks.

“No woman has ever survived the birth of a Nephilim … remember?” you try to say as softly as possible. However, you watch both of your brothers recoil at your words. Apparently, they had forgotten about that tiny fact just like you had. 

Before you can try to comfort the boys, Castiel steps toward you with anger in his eyes “Y/N! What are you talking about? I thought it was understood that you would not have this baby!”. 

You look at Cas as if he suddenly grew a third eye. “I’m having this baby! I am having  _ our _ baby.” You say matter-of-factly leaving no room for negotiation or ambiguity. 

“No, you are not! I’m not letting you die! I can’t let you die,” he whispers out the last part in almost a beg.

“It’s my choice, Cas. And I choose her. Between my life or hers, I will always choose her,” you state plainly.  

Before he can respond, Cas is pulled away from you and thrown against the wall. Dean lays a punch to the angel’s jaw making you screech in shock. 

“You fucking killed my baby sister,” Dean bites out as he raises his fist to take another swing. Cas simply stands there awaiting the abuse he thinks he deserves.    

At the same time Sam and you spring toward the men. As Sam grabs Dean’s cocked fist, you step in front of Cas and place a placating hand on Dean chest.

“Stop!” You shout. “Everyone sit the hell down! We’re going to talk this out until everyone accepts the fact that this is going to happen  _ my _ way!”

Each of the men in the room freeze in shock, they had never heard you sound so assertive. There was an adamant tone in your voice that implicitly told the men to comply.  

They each took a seat at the table. You remained standing but moved in beside Castiel and took his hand. They all looked at you expectantly. You were just as lost and confused as them but there was one thing you were sure of and you had to convince them to accept it as well. So, with confidence in your voice you started by stating the simple facts: “This is going to happen.”

* * *

 

It has only been seven and half months. You thought you would have more time, but Nephilims rarely need a full nine months of gestation. 

You were walking toward one of the bunker’s spare bedrooms, the one the boys had started converting into a nursery. The pain had woken you up, so you knew today was the day. You walked over to the crib and smiled at the stuffed squirrel and moose propped up against the pillow. No one knew where the two toys came from, as they just appeared one day, but you had a sneaking suspicion a certain accented King of Hell had left them behind.

The pain was building. You should go find someone and let them know what is going on but you couldn’t bring yourself to leave the room, your baby’s room. 

You doubled over gripping the edge of the crib for stabilization. A few minutes later, Sam came walking in carrying four more boxes of diapers to add to the stack that was already in the room. He drops the boxes when he hears your heavy breathing and sees you hunched over and on the floor. Running over to support your weight, Sam tries to calm you down.

“It’s time, Sammy,” you say with a sad smile.

Sam just tightens his jaw and nods as he lifts you off the ground to carry you back to your room. You spare one last glance around the jungle themed space as Sam quickly exits the room, your baby’s room. 

You rested your head on Sam’s chest, enveloping yourself in his warm comfort.

“Jeez kid, I think you gained a few.” Sam ties to joke but it comes out with a sad laugh.

You look up at Sam with unshed tears in your eyes. “I don’t want to die,” you whisper so lowly that your words are almost imperceptible. But Sam heard you.

“Y/N-“

“I don’t regret my choice, Sammy. But I want to know her. I want to know who she’ll become. Plus… I… I don’t think Cas has accepted this yet, accepted  _ her _ yet,” you say with hints of fear in your voice. 

Before Sam can respond, Cas suddenly appears in front of you. “It’s time,” he says with panic in his eyes and distress in his voice.

“Thanks for the update but I don’t need your spidey scenes telling me what my uterus has been screaming at me since I woke up,” you try and joke but it does nothing to relieve the tension in his ever-creasing brows. 

Sam is hesitant to let you go when you silently gesture to be put down. “I’ll go find Dean,” Sam offers when Cas starts to lead you back to your room. You look back to your older brother wanting to apologize for burdening him but the words get lost. So, instead you try to offer him a reassuring smile before turning back around. Sam lingers for a moment watching you waddle down the hallway for what he fears would be the last time.

You lie on the bed and hold Cas’ hand as he refuses to look you in the eye.

“We could still try the grace extraction…it’s not too late. It could save you both,” he begs one last time.

“It’s too dangerous. I won’t risk her life on coulds and maybes,” you say softly not wanting to have this same argument again, not when it’s almost time. Another bout of pain pulses through you as your contractions are getting closer and closer together. Castiel places a hand on your forehead but is unable to relieve your pain.

He eyes tighten in frustration as his hand slips from your forehead down to caress your cheek. “I wish I could take away your pain. I wish I could take on your burden. I wish you didn’t-“ but before he could finish you grasp his hand and force him to open his eyes and look at you – to really see you.

“It’ll be over soon. Soon you’ll have someone else to obsessively worry about,” you try to joke but it falls flat. “My only regret is that I’ll never get to meet her, to see you become the great father I know you will be – and to see you three goons try and change a diaper for the first time – now that I’d like to see,” you say with a genuinely happy smile. “I’m okay with this and you will be too one day.”

Cas just shakes his head, his eyes laced with so much sadness it fills you with creeping dread. “You put too much faith in me, Y/N. Have you not been paying attention the last few years? I break everything I touch. Our daughter needs  _ you _ , not me.” 

“Everything you’ve done, you’ve done with nothing but good intentions. I trust you Castiel. I trust you will love and protect our girl. She will love you more than anything and she will trust you too. Hell, she already starts doing backflips when she hears your voice… that’s why whenever you’re around I’m always running to the bathroom – because the little peanut uses my bladder as a trampoline whenever you’re around,” you reassure him with the truth.

“She needs a name,” Cas says ignoring what you just said.

“I’ve been trying for seven and a half months to get you to talk baby names with me and you pick  _ now _ to get into it?” you laugh at the angel hovering over you.

“I always hoped you would-“

“I would change my mind? Sorry angel, but no such luc-” before you could finish, your contractions started again. “Where are Sam and Dean?” you grunt in pain “I can’t- she’s- it’s time and they aren’t here!” you start to feel yourself panic.

“We’re here!” Dean shouts as he enters your room “We were waiting outside… giving you two time to- letting you say-“

“Goodbye? You can say the word, Dean. It’s not so scary once you just say it.”

Pain envelopes you before you can go any further and say a proper goodbye to the men in your life. You never got a chance to tell Dean he was more of a father to you than John ever was. You never got to tell Sam that his kindness, attention, and care for you kept you going in even the darkest times of your life. Most frustrating of all, you never got to tell Castiel you loved him. You let the words go implied and unsaid for years, hoping he knew but were too scared to actually say it out loud.

That was another final regret. You let your own fear of emotional expression or ‘chick flick moments’ prevent you from fully embracing those you loved. You hoped that your daughter would not be a coward like her mother. You wish, more than anything, that she would not be afraid to embrace love and give love. You don’t want her final thoughts to be all the things she was too scared to say when she had the chance. Before the pain becomes too much, you send a silent prayer to Castiel.

* * *

 

The sounds of a baby crying rang through the now dead silent halls of the bunker. Sam had taken the baby girl away from your room, away from your lifeless body. Dean stayed with Cas as they covered you in a white sheet. The men sat wordlessly together watching you intently, waiting, hoping you would get up – but you never did. For what felt like hours, they stayed that way until Sam came back to stand in the doorway, never entering the room, to say that the baby was hungry and he needed help feeding her. Dean looked over at Cas who never acknowledged Sam’s presence, he simply kept staring at you.

“Come on, Sammy. We’ll take care of it,” Dean offers as he raises himself from his seat at the end of your bed. He spares one last glance at you, thinking that he saw you move but when he realized it was just due to his weight shifting off the bed he could feel tears starting to prick the corners of his eyes. He looked up to his wide eyed little brother still hovering in the doorway. Dean steeled his composure, willing the tears away. He wasn’t able to save his baby sister but he was stubborn enough to believe that he could protect Sam from the hurt.

The brothers made their way to the kitchen. It was silent except for the occasional whines from the fussing baby in Sam’s arms. Dean fumbled around the kitchen, unsure exactly how to prepare the baby’s formula. He thought he would have more time to learn all of this.

“Here, take her and I’ll get the stuffy ready,” Sam says as he passes the infant to Dean.

“I don’t think-“ Dean tries to protest but once the child settles in his arms, Dean is unable to move or speak. He is afraid any movement will harm the delicate bundle. The baby girl looks up at her uncle with big Y/E/C eyes and without realizing it, a small smile creeps onto Dean’s face.

“It’s amazing right… their just like Y/N’s,” Sam says when he turns around to see his brother with his niece.

As if cold water had been dumped onto Dean he is shaken from his trance. He hates himself for smiling so soon after you had died. He couldn’t save you. He has no right to experience comfort or warmth while his baby sister lies died in her room. “You got this?” Dean asks as he abruptly, yet carefully, places the baby back in Sam’s arms and turns to leave the kitchen.

“Dean!” Sam tries to call after his brother but a few moments later he hears the bunker’s door slam shut.

* * *

 

A few hours later, a sweaty Dean Winchester comes back into the bunker. He is covered in dirt and the palms of his hands are bleeding slightly. Sam, still holding the baby girl, meets Dean in the hallway. He tries asking what happened but Dean ignores Sam and enters Y/N’s room. A few moments later, after faint sounds of arguing, Cas emerges from the room carrying your limp body.

Sam stands back in shock until Dean follows close behind Castiel. “It’s time, Sammy,” Dean states plainly as the men make their way outside. 

Dean had built you a pyre out of the thick branches of the surrounding forest. He even lined the base with the pink and blue wildflowers you used to pick and leave around the bunker.

You are wrapped in your favourite flannel blanket as you are laid atop the pyre. The boys wait an extra minute before lighting the fire, giving you one more chance to wake up, but you never did.

The fire starts and you are instantly engulfed in flames. Sam flinches at the sight and holds the baby closer to his chest guarding her from the painful scene. Dean just stares sternly, emotionlessly, knowing that if he let himself break, there would be no going back.

Castiel lets his blue eyes water over. He knows he deserves to feel this pain. He knows he deserves to watch you burn. He did this to you. 

The flames have almost died out before anyone moves. Cas turns to leave when Sam interrupts his movements by standing in front of him, offering to give him the infant, giving him the chance to meet his daughter.

“Cas, man you should hold her,” Sam suggests in a low voice.

As Sam speaks, your final prayer rings through Castiel’s mind:  _ Let our girl know love _ .

“Cas?” Sam repeats when the angel doesn’t answer or even acknowledge him.

Castiel looks Sam in the eye, never even looking at the child. “I can’t do it, Sam. Not yet.” Castiel states with a gruffer than usual voice right before he disappears into thin air.

“Cas!” Dean yells as he rushes over to where his best friend stood only seconds ago. 

The baby girl starts to cry and both brothers stare down at her with uncertainty. Neither brother was prepared for this. Dean looks over his shoulder toward the dwindling fire then back to the nameless child in Sam’s arms. Dean straightens his back and clenches his jaw as he looks up at his wide-eyed baby brother. He may have no idea what he is doing, but he’ll be damned if he lets you down again. This kid, your kid, will not be alone. She will know love.

  
  



End file.
